A little over three years ago I moved out here to Bozeman, Montana. It was the greatest thing, getting my feet under me, starting school and finding out who I truly was. I quickly derailed, folding my cards for something I thought I wanted and needed. Better than school. I left behind everything that was important to me and closed doors that had just opened. That’s a pity party and a story for another day. I began to work full time at a big box store. It posed great opportunity to move up the dreaded corporate ladder. But that was the path I had chosen, I wasn’t in school so that’s what I got. This place had quickly become my safe place when my ‘home’ no longer could be. I clung to it, working every possible minute, applying for every position that might need me to work extra.
It was amazing for the longest time. I had convinced myself that this is where I’d be. Even when my safe place was my new home, I loved and cherished my job and the people surrounding me. I didn’t go to college, I work full time. I wouldn’t be qualified for anything else. I was making the best money for my experience. Right? So incredibly and completely wrong. It took almost two years to come to that conclusion, and even then, it was painful to go to interviews and speak the truth of why I was leaving my current place. My store manager had offered me endless help and had become my mentor. She cared about my well being and direction, but what I never acknowledged was that she was presenting her needs as my needs. The needs for the business were my needs, and that was not nor would it ever be my priority.
Had it not been for E, I might still be there. We had met there, worked together, had the same schedule. For the longest it was a dream until it became a nightmare for both of us. The politics of a big corporate company began to haunt us. Not knowing if we would both still hold a job. He left. Quickly and abruptly. It was awful and unknown. My best friend had been coming to work with me for over a year. Now it was just me. While we were searching for a new job for him, I began to notice that I was more than qualified for so many new things. He and I went back and forth on the things I should aim for. I applied to only one other retail place. I hate customers. I hate selling. I hate being pleasant to someone that is being rude. I was not going to trade one environment for the same. It was too much to ignore that I could offer so much to these other places. And the lie of ‘I’m making too much to move’ was complete bullshit. I had worked so hard to reach that hourly, the devastation that overcame me as I realized I would be starting else where at the same rate was heart wrenching. Sure, I might not be making the exact same, but I was looking to start over, it was a different field and environment. It was a leap.
I didn’t know to expect as I began to submit my resume and line up interviews. What was I doing? I felt as if I was betraying my current job, but that’s all it had come to be, a job. I needed to find a career, something satisfying. You should be proud to tell someone where you work or what you do. I don’t know the last time I was to tell you the truth. Credit & SOS Coordinator. No one outside of the company knows what that even is.
Where I’m trying to go with this is…
You made the choices, whether your hand was coerced or manipulated or under some unknown influence. You made your bed. Be proud of that!
Change is scary. And unknown. And different. Take the leap of faith. Don’t sit idle like I did for so long. Did your life take an unplanned turn? Mine did too, and I’m SO much better off for it.
Are you frustrated with life choices leaving you derailed? It’s gets better. You made the choices, whether your hand was coerced or manipulated or under some unknown influence. You made your bed. Be proud of that. Own it and move forward.
Challenge yourself to try something new. Whether it’s a new ice cream flavor or a new career. Surprise yourself. Do one spontaneous thing; it can be incredibly rewarding. I love just going home and enjoying my family every day, but every once in a while, I can’t handle it. I have to do something. Use those urges to make a better you. Had I not challenged myself, I never would have known that I liked to write. I had to force myself to be vulnerable and it’s the most rewarding thing. I am always nervous if someone is going to read my work, if they’ll like it or think it’s complete trash.
Don’t ever feel like you have to prove yourself to anyone. As long as you are proud of where you are, that is more than satisfactory. This is starting to sound like an old P!nk song, but there are worse things. Worse is disappointing yourself day in and day out because of where you let life take you. You control your life and it’s time you were reminded.
I need the reminder. I still get disappointed in myself; I still have short comings. There are days when the only thing that will fix me is a hug. I’m not telling you to isolate yourself because everyone is just a hater. Surround yourself with people that will continue to build you up. Every day, I’m told that I am a queen; and it’s the reminder that I deserve the world, that I am worth people’s time, that is what drives me.